Why Dating a Bartender Will Leave You Drinking Alone: A Survival Guide from the Streets of Makutano

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A Picture of a Bartender serving Keg at a bar. Photo/Getty images. 

Ladies and gentlemen, loyal readers, and curious souls alike—welcome back. You already know how we do. Every time I grab this digital mic, you sit back, relax, and brace yourselves for another one of my infamous tales. And today, my friends, I bring you wisdom forged in fire—the fire of heartbreak, mischief, and the neon-lit chaos of local bars.


I’ve tried it all in my adventurous life. From midnight boda rides in suspicious neighborhoods to eating fish with strangers at River Road hotels. But let me tell you, nothing, and I mean nothing, has tested my emotional stability like dating a bar waitress.


Yes, I said it. You’re better off fighting a lion in Ngong Forest with a cooking stick than trying to win the heart of a bartender in Makutano.


Let’s break it down for those of you still wearing rose-colored glasses.


### Rule #1: She’s Not Just Smiling at You, Bro


You see, dating a bartender means competing against an Olympic team of flirts—some richer, taller, better dressed, and let’s be honest—less emotionally damaged than you. She's out here professionally smiling, charming, serving, and laughing with men who tip in thousands. You? You brought 300 bob and big dreams.


Trust me, you're not special, you're just next.


### Rule #2: Stay Hawk-Eyed or Stay Heartbroken


You have to become a private investigator, relationship security officer, and undercover spy—all in one. If you skip a Friday night at the bar, the highest bidder might just walk off with what you thought was yours. And they’ll do it with swagger, maybe even send you a cold beer as a farewell gift.


### Rule #3: Every Day is a Tinder Swipe


Let me tell you about Makutano—the land where hearts break faster than promises during campaigns. That’s where your dear Felloh learned the hard way. You skip one date night and suddenly, it's "Felloh who?"


Today it’s you, tomorrow it's Peterson, the next day it’s some guy driving a Probox with Bluetooth speakers and a stable job. Ain’t no loyalty in the cocktail kingdom, my friend.


### So, What Did We Learn?


If you want to live long, laugh loud, and cry less—do not, and I repeat do not, date a bartender. Unless your name is Elon Musk or you're ready to offer an iPhone and Uber every Friday, stay in your lane, king. Save your heart, and your bar tab.


Because the truth is this:

“Leo ako na Felloh. Kesho na Peterson. Kesho kutwa…you’ll find out on her Instagram story.”


Mmh... and that, my dear readers, is the hard truth served with a cold Tusker and a twist of lime.


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About the Author

Felix Kinyua is a freelance journalist with a degree in Communication and Media and a Master’s in Public Policy and Administration. He combines sharp storytelling with a deep understanding of society, bringing everyday stories to life with humor, heart, and insight.


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