Why Sugarcane Should Never Enter a Bar
Disclaimer: No sugarcane was harmed in the making of this story. However, several egos, pool cues, and friendships at Mikocheni Base did not survive. Proceed with caution.
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The Rule Nobody Tells You
My friends, there are rules in life that no school or government ever teaches you, yet breaking them comes with serious consequences. One such rule is simple: never, ever enter a bar with sugarcane.
I know—it sounds like comedy. How can an innocent stick of sweetness, the village toothbrush, the poor man’s dessert, cause chaos? Sit back, let me explain.
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The Myth That Sounded Like Nonsense
Last Friday, while hyping myself up for the Aquadel Drinking Water Pool Tournament, a friend whispered a myth so outrageous it could have come straight from a Nollywood script: “Never carry sugarcane into a club. Because the moment it enters, blood must spill.”
He insisted it’s the gospel truth, especially among our Kikuyu brothers, who believe it so firmly you’d think it was the 11th commandment.
Naturally, I dismissed it. How could sugarcane—something school kids chew on their way home—be responsible for fights? Surely this was just “story za jaba.”
But the gods of irony had other plans for me.
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Mikocheni: From Peaceful Base to Wrestling Ring
The very next day, I was at Mikocheni—the Switzerland of Makutano. Normally peaceful. Violence-free. The kind of base where even cockroaches walk in politely.
Then, out of nowhere, a friend arrived from his shamba, carrying a bundle of sugarcane like it was a love offering. He thought we’d appreciate chewing a little something between beers. Noble gesture. Wrong gesture.
The moment those canes touched Mikocheni soil, tranquility packed its bags and left. Brothers who hadn’t argued since Form Four suddenly remembered old debts. Pool sticks became weapons, chairs became projectiles, and the air was filled with creative insults. Even our sugarcane sponsor—the generous donor himself—received free samples of violence for reasons nobody could quite explain.
By the end, Mikocheni looked like WrestleMania sponsored by Tusker.
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The Court of Mikocheni Base
Now, at Mikocheni Base, every tragedy is followed by a “board meeting.” Not of elders, not of professors, but of patrons—the same characters who had ducked flying chairs the night before. These are our wise men.
So, the following morning, as tradition demanded, we gathered in the usual formation: plastic chairs in a circle, beers for breakfast, and swollen cheeks still fresh from battle. The agenda was simple: “What caused yesterday’s nonsense?”
Some blamed alcohol. Others pointed at politics. One guy even suggested Arsenal’s loss had triggered hidden anger. But after much debate, finger-pointing, and three more rounds of beer, the verdict was unanimous: the sugarcane was the culprit.
Case closed. No appeal.
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When Myth Meets Reality
After that, I went digging, asking around beyond Mikocheni. Shockingly, everyone echoed the same warning: never, under any circumstances, take sugarcane into a bar. Among the Agikuyu and Abaluhya, it’s practically law—they’ll chase you at the door before your cane even touches the counter.
Why? Who knows. Maybe sugarcane makes jaws too active, inviting insults. Maybe it sharpens teeth for biting. Or maybe it just offends the gods of alcohol. Whatever the science, the result is always the same: chaos.
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Final Word of Wisdom
So, dear reader, consider yourself educated. This weekend, carry your ID, your phone, your heartbreak, even your landlord’s threats—but leave that sugarcane at home. Unless, of course, you love drama, chaos, and explaining to your doctor: “It all started when my friend brought sugarcane to the bar…”
You’ve been warned. Now chew responsibly—and in daylight.
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About the Author
Felix Kinyua is a freelance journalist, storyteller, and honorary member of the Mikocheni Base “wise men’s council.” With a degree in Communication and Media and an MA in Public Policy and Administration, he prefers educating the public through satire, laughter, and the occasional sugarcane scandal.
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Superstitious or not,that myth is true
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with you, i doubted it until it played out in my presence.
DeleteMmmh this is new but we'll🤝
ReplyDeleteI advise you try then come back at tell us if the myth is true or not. But as someone who experienced it firsthand, my advice is: Don’t try! Keep following Meru Daily for more informative, educative, engaging and entertaining content.
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